


Can't get you out of my head

by puppykihyun



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Based in California, Canon Non-Binary Character, Day At The Beach, Fluff, Gen, Light Angst, M/M, Mentions of Emotional Abuse, Post-Break Up, mentions of manipulation, non-binary haechan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-24
Updated: 2020-07-24
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:27:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25496053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/puppykihyun/pseuds/puppykihyun
Summary: The waves pounded the shore and into Donghyuck. They pushed the thoughts from his head, the water cleansed him as Jungwoo and Mark shouted after him. He laughed as he swam against the waves, diving under with each one that approached. All he could focus on was the cold rush of the pacific ocean as seaweed brushed against his leg, sending shivers up his body. He picked it up and threw it over his shoulders, laughing brightly as he pretended to be a seaweed monster.
Relationships: Kim Jungwoo/Mark Lee (NCT), Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Suh Youngho | Johnny, past - Relationship
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	Can't get you out of my head

Donghyuck ran as fast as he could, ignoring the shouts of his friends behind him. His feet stung as they pounded against the beach, hot sand flying with each step. He screamed as he ran harder, closing his eyes despite the danger of it. He didn’t care if he got hurt, didn’t care if he fell face first. All he wanted to do was release the burning in his chest, the roiling of his stomach. He wanted to push all thoughts and feelings related to Johnny out. He wanted it _gone!_

He opened his eyes as he tore his shirt over his head and kicked his sandals off, dropping them all haphazardly, not caring where they landed. He dropped his fanny pack right after. He was sure they were spread out but he just didn’t want to bother putting them all together.

When he finally felt the texture of the sand change he shouted again excitedly. He ran a little easier as he approached the water, not slowing as his feet hit the first laps of the waves. He pushed deeper in, screaming before he finally dove in once he got up to his waist. He fought past the waves, getting pelted in the face with water, diving under as another wave came at him. He finally stopped once he was deep enough in that he was wading, having to stand on his tiptoes to be able to touch the bottom. 

He couldn’t help but feel a little bit of fear at not being able to see what was around him, knowing there could be countless dangerous animals. He reveled in that fear of the unknown, of danger, it was better than the other feelings weighing down on him. 

He finally looked back out at the beach, Mark and Jungwoo both standing at the water's edge yelling for him. There were a few people on the beach looking at them oddly but neither of them seemed to care if they noticed. 

Donghyuck screamed at them, “Get in the water you babies!” but it didn’t seem as if they heard what he said. Donghyuck was too far out for them to hear him just as he couldn’t hear what they were yelling. 

He decided to ignore them and let himself float on his back as he relaxed in the gentle rocking of the water. Letting it pull away all thoughts of Johnny, all the damage Johnny had done. He ignored the sinking feeling in his stomach, the loneliness that engulfed him. He just wanted to pretend it wasn’t there for a day. He stared up at the sparse clouds, the summer sun so strong that it almost seemed like it chased away most of the clouds. 

Donghyuck was pulled out of his reverie when shouting could be heard nearby, coming from Jungwoo no doubt. He righted himself in the water, seeing Jungwoo and Mark swimming towards him. “Why would you just run off like that?” Mark asked, concern lacing his voice.

“I just wanted to have some fun,” Donghyuck giggled, splashing Mark when he got in range. Mark gasped, before pulling his arm back and pushing a large spray of water at Donghyuck. Dnghyuck laughed and sprung forward at the two of them, his bare chest pressed against both of theirs as he wrapped an arm around each of their necks. They sunk into the water. Jungwoo was the only one tall enough to touch the bottom without getting his face in the water so he had to hold Mark and Donghyuck up .

“Careful,” Jungwoo laughed as he hugged them close. Donghyuck pressed a wet kiss to Jungwoo’s cheek, smiling broadly as Jungwoo kissed his cheek in kind. Jungwoo and Donghyuck shared a knowing glance, before they looked over at Mark. He gulped, trying to pull out of their grasp. Donghyuck gripped his shoulder tighter, keeping him in place. Jungwoo and Donghyuck leaned forward and kissed the top of his head together. He pushed them away and dove underwater, Donghyuck clung tighter to Jungwoo as he laughed at Mark.

Mark surfaced from underwater a few feet away, rivulets of water pouring over his flushed cheeks. He huffed out in embarrassment, glaring at his best friend and boyfriend as they clung to each other. Donghyuck couldn’t help but laugh at Mark's disgruntled behavior. He only ever put this act on in public. 

Jungwoo cooed at Mark teasingly. “Come here baby we won’t do it again.”

Mark shook his head, opening his mouth to speak but before he could Donghyuck splashed him again. He pulled himself away from Jungwoo and swam straight for Mark. Mark yelped and swam away but Donghyuck was the stronger swimmer amongst the two of them and quickly caught up. He grasped Mark’s shoulder, hollering. “You can’t get away from me!” 

They wrestled in the water, bobbing up and down in the water as they pushed each other down. Donghyuck laughed at the same time he was pushed underwater, accidentally sucking water in through his mouth. Heat filled his chest as he struggled against Mark. He smacked him as he struggled to lift his head back up. Mark seemed to realize something was wrong and pulled him up. Donghyuck spluttered, water falling from his lips. His chest felt so tight as he struggled to cough the water out. He gasped, tears forming at the corner of his eyes. 

Donghyuck clung to Mark, fear filling him as he struggled to breathe. Donghyuck felt Jungwoo push himself against Donghyuck’s back. He rubbed his hand up and down Donghyuck’s chest comfortingly. “Let’s get back to the shore, you need to take a break.”

Donghyuck nodded, feeling as if he’d stop breathing if he tried to talk. Mark and Jungwoo gently guided him back to the shore, helping him whenever a wave would overtake them. They struggled to get back, Donghyuck weighing them down, but Mark and Jungwoo didn’t seem to mind. They plopped down on the shore as they made it to the damp sand, just out of reach of the waves. 

They took a few minutes to sit there. Donghyuck struggled to calm his breathing. His chest was heavy and he needed time to center himself, to fight past that fear of drowning that had overtaken him only moments ago. He could breathe, he was fine, but it was still so scary. He let out a last shaky breath as he finally calmed himself down, leaning against Jungwoo’s shoulder as he did so.

“Are you okay?” Jungwoo asked, wrapping his arm around Donghyuck’s shoulders comfortingly. 

“Yeah, I’m better now.” Donghyuck stretched his legs out as he answered, sinking deeper against Jungwoo. He looked out over the water, the sun glaring against it and into his eyes. He tried not to let his thoughts drift, but he couldn’t help it.

He thought of sun kissed skin, of soft eyes and hardened muscles. He thought of calloused hands caressing his skin. Johnny was still so beautiful, despite everything. He had been trying so hard not to think about him, but the more he ignored it the harder it was to keep his mind away from Johnny. 

He thought of midnight screaming matches, of sitting alone in the shower in tears. He thought of the way he was yelled at whenever he expressed any kind of negative emotion about himself. He knew it was better they broke up, he knew it was best with the way Johnny hurt him. Even though Donghyuck ended it...he still missed him. He still missed the way he kissed him and held him. He missed the way Johnny said his name. He missed...

Donghyuck groaned, flopping back down against the sand in frustration. “Tell me why I can’t stop thinking about him?” He whined. Mark laid down next to him, Jungwoo following suit. 

“It’s only been a month and you were together for nearly three years, of course you’re still thinking about him,” Mark said. 

“Yeah but he’s the worst! He hurt me so much and did so much damage to me!” Donghyuck smacked his arm down on the ground petulantly. 

“Yeah, but there were good moments too, it’s those moments that you’re hung up on,” Jungwoo said, sitting up and stroking a hand through Donghyuck’s hair. “The bad outweighs the good but the good always feels so strong, especially when you viewed the relationship with rose colored lenses for so long.” 

“I’m so behind in life because of him,” Donghyuck sighed. “I realized it and now I can’t stop thinking about it. Me never going to college was because he said I didn’t need to. I let him control me.”

“You didn’t let him do anything,” Mark hissed. “He had a position of power over you, and he took advantage of that. Even if he didn’t knowingly do it he still did it. He made you rely on him by letting you live with him for free and then he lorded it over your head and used it to control you. You felt like you couldn’t stand up for yourself out of fear of having nowhere to live and losing him. That’s not your fault.”

“Yeah but.”

“No but’s,” Jungwoo interrupted. “You can’t keep blaming yourself for being manipulated and emotionally and financially abused.”

“And you can’t tell me what to do!” Donghyuck argued, shooting up to his feet. “It’s not as easy to just stop blaming myself as you think it is! He did so much to me! He was so controlling he’s the reason it took me so long to get the nose piercing I wanted, why I never bleached my hair until we broke up, why I never got to stay past noon the day after a sleep over. He was so cruel when I questioned my gender! Did I ever tell you guys what he said when I came out as non-binary? He said if I ever presented feminine he would break up with me!”

He heard both Mark and Jungwoo gasp as he ranted. “He was so adamant about it. Saying that he would just see me as a girl if I did. He made me coming out about his sexuality. It was so fucking unfair and it hurt me so much. It made me question the validity of me being genderfluid. I prefer presenting masculine but that is still so unfair of him. He’s done so much I've never told you guys out of fear of you not liking him. That should have been a warning sign he was bad for me.”

“No,” Mark practically growled. “It’s not your fault you didn’t see the warning signs. It was your first relationship and you’re only twenty. He’s a whole five years older than you and frankly I always thought that was kind of gross. What kind of twenty-three year old goes after a seventeen year old? There’s something wrong about that but we were all young and thought it was cool someone older was into you. He took advantage of you. Knowing what he said about your gender only makes me think he’s even worse than before. It’s not your fault please Donghyuck.”

“It feels like it is though...how can I believe any different when I just took the mistreatment. We argued about it, I cried, and stood up for myself, but I still gave into what he asked. Even when it hurt me I gave in.” Donghyuck sighed. “One time I told him I wanted to get an undercut, and he told me I’d look bad, he said I shouldn’t do it cus he doesn’t like undercuts. So I went and did it just to spite him and I hated it. He clearly didn’t like it but since I did it already he left it alone. But he never complimented it genuinely. He was always telling me what I could or couldn’t do with my body.”

“That was so unfair of him, Donghyuck.” Jungwoo said as he stood up, grabbing Donghyuck’s hand. “You didn’t deserve to get treated like that. No one does.” 

“Yeah but, I can’t,” Donghyuck choked, tears finally spilling from his eyes. “I loved him so much, and he just...did so much damage. It’s so unfair.” 

“Yeah, it’s hella unfair dude!” Mark agreed. “You deserve the whole world and I can’t wait for you to see that.” Donghyuck looked at his two best friends with blurry eyes, not caring how he looked. He jumped on them and wrapped them in a tight hug.

“I love you guys so much,” Donghyuck whimpered.

“I love you too angel,” Jungwoo said softly.

“I love you man. You’ll always be my bro no matter what,” Mark said. 

Donghyuck sniffled, pressing his face against Mark’s neck. They stood huddled together for a few minutes, Jungwoo and Mark holding him protectively as he calmed down. He allowed himself to work through his emotions. Feeling them as fully as he could, allowing the burning and tightness in his chest to subside naturally on it’s own. He had to let himself feel everything he held inside himself or he wouldn’t be able to process it and move on, he knew this, but that didn’t make it any easier.

When the tears were finally dried, and the burning in his chest had subsided he pulled away and looked at his friends in gratitude. He quickly slipped back into his sunny persona though, pretending none of that had just happened. “We should go get ice cream!” Donghyuck suggested, smiling brightly. 

“Only if they have mint chocolate chip!” Jungwoo responded, playing along with Donghyuck. He smiled at Jungwoo in gratitude. 

“Babe,” Mark teased, going along with it. “Everywhere that sells ice cream sells mint chocolate chip you know this.”

“Nope.” Jungwoo responded, popping the ‘p’ as he said it. “Just last week I went to Baskin-Robbins and they were out of mint choco.” 

“Yeah, but that means they still sold it,” Donghyuck laughed.

“That’s not the point!” Jungwoo argued as Donghyuck and Mark laughed at him.

“Come on,” Mark spoke up as he grabbed Jungwoo’s hand. “Lets go.” 

“Yeah, okay, but I better get my mint choco,” Jungwoo pouted.

Donghyuck laughed at the two of them as they walked over to their stuff they had all thrown in a haphazard pile as they ran, some of Donghyuck’s stuff scattered further from the rest. He picked up his fanny pack, smiling fondly at his best friends when he straightened back up. 

He’d be all right, it might take time, but with his best friends by his side he knew he would be okay. Eventually.

**Author's Note:**

> I really hope those of you who got to the end of this enjoyed it. This was mostly just a vent fic for me since I'm going through a breakup. Pretty much everything outside of the age thing is something I struggled with in the relationship I just gout out of so this fic is based on my experiences and feelings. Please be kind to yourselves friends. 
> 
> [my twitter](https://twitter.com/CryptidJungwoo)


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